“If you are irritated by every rub, how will you be polished?”

-Rumi

This reminds me of a quote from Thomas Merton’s autobiography, the Seven Storey Mountain, “The more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller and more insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most.”

Avoiding the uncomfortable is my natural response to difficult situations. I am learning that just because I feel uncomfortable doesn’t mean something is ‘wrong’. Every uncomfortable feeling I have doesn’t need to be ‘fixed’. Sometimes I just feel down or disappointed. I have found I need to sit in that space and embrace my emotions, the positive and the negative. They come and go. What am I to learn from the experience? That is how I reduce the suffering and how I become more ‘polished’.

For much of my life I have overachieved thinking that success in the material world would finally quiet that inner-voice telling me I’m a fraud and not good enough. During my recovery from alcoholism and addiction I have worked hard to remove the character defects that block me from my higher power. I have made great strides in accepting the consequences of my past destructive behaviors and using them as an asset to help others. I pay attention to myself. When these character defects again begin to affect my spiritual balance I have simple but effective spiritual tools from the program of Alcoholics Anonymous to help right the ship.

But ego and self-centeredness do not go quietly into the night. The same thoughts and doubts I had about myself  are now emerging as thoughts and doubts about my recovery. I find intrusive thoughts about my self-worth and my value to others invading my day. These thoughts are a persistent announcement that I’m not working an honest program or I’m not thoroughly following the path described in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. A lost job or a failed relationship can be used as a bludgeon by my doubts to hammer home these faulty beliefs. My ego tries to portray these events as further proof that the doubts I’ve long held about myself and my recovery are true.

How do I protect myself from the poison I create in my mind?  Straining desperately to achieve preconceived spiritual ideals will only lead to disappointment and falling short and more ammunition for my ego driven self. What I’ve discovered through the hard experience of previous battles is that acceptance is the answer. By accepting myself as I am I have a solid foundation from which to build protection against these destructive thoughts. The 7th Step prayer helps me stay centered with my higher power. Knowing I am accepted by God allows me to accept myself.

Like a peacock spreading its feathers to appear bigger and more powerful than it really is these ego generated thoughts only appear to be strong and convincing. However, they are only thoughts and I long ago learned not to believe everything I think. If I choose I can recognize them when they appear but allow them to pass by without attaching myself to them. They do not define who I am. I do not have to give them the power to drive my actions.

As much as I may care for others I also have to accept that they will not always feel the same. Rejection is difficult for everyone. I can’t allow disappointments in my relationships with others to be the fuel that fires destructive thoughts about my self-worth. The thoughts of others are no more powerful than my own thoughts. Acceptance by God, acceptance by myself and allowing thoughts to pass without assigning them more power than they deserve are the tools I use to weather the storms of everyday life.

I have found a Power in recovery that helps me grow towards being who I was intended to be. It is rarely an easy journey. There are constant challenges. The path is uncertain and I don’t always recognize its landmarks. It is easy to detour into a maze built of ego and self-will. Fortunately I do not walk alone. There are Angels on the path to guide me.

If I soften my heart the Angels guide me toward change. Anyone I encounter can be an Angel. Synchronicity seems to place them on my path when their lesson is needed the most. When the student is ready, the teacher arrives. It is up to me see them. I must be present and aware. I must be ready to learn. Willingness and open-mindedness are essential to allowing the Angels on the path to touch my life. It is through them that I realize my purpose and effect the changes in my life that keep me on the path of discovery and spiritual growth. It is through them that I realize the Power that connects us all.

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.”

- Marcel Proust

Everyday I see the same things and think the same thoughts. I’ve done it this way and thought that way for years. These thoughts and attitudes become the unassailable truths of my existence.  When I seek growth I read book after book looking for the new idea that I’m missing only to reject it because it conflicts with what I think I already know. What if these unassailable truths I’ve developed over time are actually the distorted perceptions of life that block me from seeing something new; seeing life as it really is? I can’t allow the things I think I know to prevent me from learning the things I need to know. I can look at the world around me with new eyes. I can practice a Beginner’s Mind and set aside everything I think I know so that I can have a new experience with the truth. After all, some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.

Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up. – Alfred Pennyworth

It has taken me time to accept that life’s difficulties are not a form of punishment sent my way by a karmic God. If my spiritual health is waning life’s challenges can easily push me into self-pity, frustration and resentment. I have heard from several sources that we are obligated to continue experiencing these destructive feelings until we ‘learn to pick ourselves up’. The more times I face these emotional time-bombs and safely defuse them the more able I am to face them next time. Eventually, with willingness, honesty and open-mindedness, I learn that life isn’t against me and the karmic God is my own creation with no more power than I have. Life has knocked me down many times. With recovery, faith and a divine grace I am getting up and getting better.

We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein

How can I start thinking differently? The book, Alcoholics Anonymous, has much to say about this issue: “Therefore, the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than his body.” (page 23) If the problem is my mind, what is the solution?  In the Doctor’s Opinion, Dr. Silkworth says that the alcoholic must experience “…an entire psychic change…”. Dr. Carl Jung, an early supporter of Alcoholics Anonymous and one of the world’s most famous psychiatrists, said that this type of psychic change most often occurs with a spiritual awakening, or spiritual experience. So, the main problem is my mind. The solution is an entire psychic change through a spiritual experience. How then do I bring about this spiritual experience? Again, from the book, Alcoholics Anonymous: “Well, that’s exactly what this book is about.” (page 45) and: “12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps…” (page 60). The purpose of working the steps outlined in the book Alcoholics Anonymous is to create a spiritual awakening, cause an entire psychic change and allow us to beginning thinking differently. This is exactly what has worked for me. It was essential to my recovery and continues to be the foundation of my continued sobriety.