Archive for category Step 6

Who Am I

For most of my life who I thought I was depended on who I believed you wanted me to be. How I saw myself depended upon how you saw me. Your reaction to me dictated my thoughts, ideas and emotions. I evaluated my performance at work and at home by comparing myself to the people around me. There was always someone more successful, better looking, taller, or stronger. It was inevitable, then, that I constantly came up short of the impossible ideal toward which I was driven by my fear of failure. It was on this anxious treadmill that I ran the rat race; never winning but refusing to lose.

To help me survive the pain of life I developed coping strategies which grew into a calcified shell. This shell held some of the pain at bay but it also blocked me from the love of God and the love of mankind. Inside, the reverberations of my unmanaged emotions were deafening. But this is how I survived. How could I live without this protection?

One by one these strategies and defects of character that blocked me from the underlying Spirit of creation were identified. They had taken the form of resentments, fear, self-pity, self-seeking, self-delusion, grandiosity, and many, many more. Though my inner self felt tender I became willing to have all of these defects of character removed. I asked God for the courage to live a vulnerable life without them.

I now face life and the emotions it causes. I pay attention to what is occurring inside. I try to sort the authentic emotions from my recurring defects. I try to stay aware. Where I find fear I seek God’s grace. When I feel lost I seek God’s guidance. As a result I am beginning to know my self.

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