Sanity through Surrender

May 2, 2010 | Edit

When I choose to follow my own will instead of surrendering to God’s will all sorts of strangely insane things begin to happen to me. My internal voices block out God’s voice. I begin to allow my defects of self-hatred, fear and delusions to contaminate my soul, my thoughts and my actions. Self pity and self-centeredness are allowed to flourish and take root. My soul’s beautiful garden becomes entangled with the weeds of discontent, anger and resentment.

After 28 years of freedom from alcohol and self, a week ago I chose to reject God’s will and purpose for me. For two days, I experienced the slavery of alcohol and self. I hurt myself and, worst of all, I hurt those closest to me. After two days of walking through the swampy muck and mire where my beautiful garden had been, I fell to my knees and asked God to bring his sunshine and will back to my life. He answered in the form of my sponsor and many friends in AA. They folded me in their arms and let me feel God’s warmth in my soul.

I now see my fall as a blessing. Rakka means “fallen flower.” For me, this means that my defective flower has fallen from its stem. But this is not a bad thing. The experience of her rotting petals shall fertilize the soil so that other flowers shall learn from her knowledge and insight. The seeds of her flower shall flourish under God’s light, love and will. From these seeds shall be sown self-love, patience and acceptance.

The fallen flower has surrendered to God’s will by death of the old ways and ideas. Surrender, though, is just not a thought, or even meditation. Surrender is not merely found in words at a meeting. Surrender is action. Surrender is doing God’s will. Surrender is pulling the weeds of self from His garden through working with others, working the steps and going to meetings. Surrender is my road back to sanity.