Searching and Fearless

My character defects were the manifestation of the spiritual emptiness I felt inside of me. I knew that I just wasn’t good enough. I was afraid to open my heart to others because I believed I would be rejected. Therefore, it was all up to me. Life’s satisfaction and meaning were my responsibility. No one else could be trusted with them. From this my selfishness was born and it steadily grew over the years. I papered over the emptiness I felt by trying to prove to society that I was ok. I worked hard and my life appeared successful.  But the emptiness continued to grow and the functional life that was a thin patch over my wounded soul eventually eroded. The pain caused by the gaping hole at the core of my being could no longer be ignored. I dulled the pain with sex, drugs and alcohol (ok, and rock n roll).

In recovery I had to face these defects in the 4th Step and share them with my sponsor in the 5th Step. How could I do this? The Steps are done in order for a reason. This is one of them. If I could have faced these defects under my own power I certainly would have. I was truly powerless over my addictions (Step 1) and this was another concrete example. The solution was, then, more power (Step 2) and I made a decision (Step 3) to rely on this new power and direction in my life. Only then was I ready, willing and able to do an honest, searching and fearless 4th Step.